So here I sit, counting down the days until my sister arrives. We are so looking forward to fun fun fun, and yet right on the heels of all of this upcoming fun is Kailey’s surgery.

A day of beauty is SOOO what I need, and Kailey will love being pampered. There is really nothing she loves more than having her hair done, and she will have a mani/pedi as well. WOOHOO. Girl power!

Dwelling behind the excitement is fear and projecting, assuming, guessing. I worry about how she will do during the surgery. I assume that her recovery will be difficult and that her meds will be pretty heavy duty. I project what methadone treatments will be like for a six year old vs a 3 month old (the last time she had to go through them). I say methadone treatments because Kailey gets addicted to the morphine or the fentenyl that they give her. After heart surgeries I have been able to get them to take her off of it after one day. But this surgery is so extensive that I imagine it will be impossible to take her from morphine after only a day, and so I worry about the addiction.

To see a baby “jonesing” for some meds is heart breaking. So see them shake and have a hard time of it is like noting I ever want to see again. But now I fear I will have to see it happen again… and this time she can talk and remember.

It would be wonderful if these things don’t happen! I just can’t help but imagine them.

So here I sit, waking up at 5 am every day because of the thoughts haunting me at night. Because of the excitment surrounding my sister’s visit. Because of the fear of handing her over for a surgery that is voluntary and not medically necessary. Because out past haunts our future, and the reality of it makes me feel ill.

A week from now we will be in the hospital. We will be doing the colon cleanse and suffering the blow outs of go litely. BLECH. A week from now I am sure to be on here laughing about how the stink is KILLING my sister. LMAO. A week from Friday I will be here begging you all to pray harder than you have ever prayed before. A week from Saturday we will be on the recovery end of things, and no matter what that brings, it will be a relief from where we stand right now.

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